The Myth of the "Good Parent" Who Destroys the Other
If you are abusing the co-parent, you are abusing the child. Why the courts, and society, need to stop separating the two.
We have all heard the phrase. It is the favorite refrain of mediators, judges, and mutual friends who are trying to remain neutral.
“Look, they might be a difficult partner, but they are a great parent.”
It is the single most dangerous lie in family court.
We compartmentalize. We try to separate the “Husband/Wife” box from the “Father/Mother” box. We tell ourselves that someone can be vindictive, dishonest, and emotionally abusive to their former spouse, yet somehow remain a healthy, nurturing figure to the children.
But biology doesn’t have boxes. And children don’t live in compartments.
If you are actively destroying the other half of your child’s DNA, you are not a “good parent.” You are a safe harbor that is on fire.
The Wedding Motion
I remember when I remarried. It should have been a moment of expansion for my family… a new chapter of stability and love. My children were excited.
But in the “high-conflict” ecosystem, your joy is their emergency.
As the court record shows, my ex-wife filed a legal motion that, in my understanding, appeared designed to prevent our children from attending my wedding.
Think about the logic of that for a second. There was no credible safety risk. There was no unavoidable scheduling conflict. There was only a father getting married, and a mother who could not tolerate the image of that happiness.
Fortunately, the judge was wise enough to deny it. But the legal result isn’t the point. The action is the point.
A “good parent” would want their children to witness love. A “good parent” would swallow their own discomfort to ensure their children felt included in a major family milestone.
By filing that motion, she wasn’t just trying to hurt me. She was willing to rob our sons of a core memory just to score a point against her target.
That is not “good parenting.” That is using your children as ammunition. And ammunition always gets damaged when it is fired.
The Public Performance vs. The Private War
This creates a dissonance that drives alienated parents insane.
For years, I watched my ex-wife publicly post on Facebook about how she “never wanted to step foot in a courtroom again,” painting herself as the exhausted victim of a litigious ex-husband. The likes and comments would roll in, validating her, pitying her, praising her strength.
Meanwhile, the quiet reality of the legal docket told a different story. While publicly lamenting the court system, she was frequently the one initiating the motions that kept us there.
This is the “Compartmentalization Myth” in action. To the outside world, she is the protective mother fighting a war she didn’t choose. But to the children, she is the architect of an environment where they are forced to choose between loving their father or surviving their mother.
Lundy Bancroft was Right
The domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft wrote extensively about this. He argued that you cannot be a good parent while you are abusing the other parent.
Why? Because the abuse is the parenting style.
If you teach a child that their father is dangerous (without cause), you are teaching them anxiety.
If you instruct a child to lie to their father, you are teaching them that the truth is unsafe.
If you scream at a child for the entire drive home because they admitted to having a good time, you are teaching them that their happiness is a betrayal.
If you force a child to spy on their parent, you are teaching them dishonesty.
If you erase the other parent’s photos or memories from the home, you are teaching the child that half of their own identity is shameful.
If you ignore a child’s cry for help just because it came through the other parent, you are teaching them that your ego matters more than their life.
If you make a child feel guilty for loving the other parent, you are teaching them conditional love.
These are not separate behaviors. You cannot be a nurturing gardener to a flower while you are pouring poison into the soil it grows in.
The One-Way Mirror
If you are currently sitting in a lawyer’s office, listening to them tell you that “the court doesn’t care about what she did to you, only about the kids,” you have my sympathy. It is a maddening distinction.
But you have to hold on to the truth, even if the system refuses to see it.
The way they treat you is the way they are parenting. The aggression they direct at you is the atmosphere your children are breathing.
We need to stop pretending that “Partner Abuse” and “Child Abuse” are two different conversations. When you erase a father, you aren’t just hurting a man. You are tearing out half of a child’s identity and asking them to walk around as if they are whole.
A good parent doesn’t do that.
Author’s Note
This article is a work of personal nonfiction based on my own memory, correspondence, and documentation. It reflects my individual perspective and experience, and is not intended as legal or psychological advice. Some names, timelines, or identifying details may have been changed to protect the privacy of all involved.
A Note on Gender: While I write this from my perspective as a father speaking about an ex-wife, the behaviors of alienation and high-conflict control are gender-neutral. If you are a mother experiencing this, simply swap the pronouns; the pain and the patterns are exactly the same.
Resources & Further Reading
When Dad Hurts Mom Why read this: Lundy Bancroft explains why the abuse of a partner is effectively the abuse of the child, debunking the myth that they are separate issues.
The Parental Alienation Story Why read this: Bill Eddy from the High Conflict Institute breaks down how “good” parents can engage in damaging alienation behaviors due to unmanaged emotions.
Confronting an Emotional Abuser Why read this: A guide on how to reclaim your personal power when a family member (or co-parent) is using emotional manipulation to rob you of it.
There’s a lot of conviction here, and I can feel how strongly you believe that what happens between adults inevitably shapes the emotional climate children grow up in. It makes sense to question the idea that someone can wage war on a co-parent and somehow keep that entirely separate from their parenting. At the same time, family systems are often more complex than a single moral line dividing “good” and “bad,” and children can be impacted by many layers of hurt, not just one parent’s behavior. When things become this polarized, it can sometimes deepen the split rather than protect the child from it. What may matter most in the long run is which parent can stay regulated, resist turning the child into a symbol of the conflict, and keep offering a relationship that feels safe rather than reactive.